What If - Eunhae

NEW DESCRIPTION

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It seems as though the accumulated time is being greedy,
Seeing as it hurts more today than yesterday.
Oh boy...
It was after I realized that I couldn't be totally happy with that smile towards me.
That there was nothing special, baby.

There he was with his perfect smile, his perfect eyes, his perfect hair, his perfect voice, his perfect everything. He sat there as if taunting me, but I knew it wasn't true. He doesn't love me the way I love him. It' been so long since I've fallen for Donghae. We've been friends since college and always I had thought that he was the one who loved me. He had always been hugging me, holding my hand, or even kissing my cheek when I least expected it. Due to his ministrations I never expected to fall for him first. Looking back, it might've just been because I'm the hyung, but I don't like that reality. I like the reality where Donghae and I can just be together and love each other without the condescending eyes of the world watching our joined hands with disgust. I know it cant be like that however, and I was happy with the friendly smiles, the friendly hugs, the friendly pecks on the cheek. It was enough to be close with him, to be able to laugh with him when I wanted to, and just to be able to see his smiling face.

But it's starting to become more difficult by the day to see him. Every time I see that gorgeous smile surface only to find that it isn't directed at me I feel a cold stab of jealously through my heart. Once I began to feel like this I felt almost as if the world was collapsing around me. I've never before felt such an ugly, powerful, vicious emotion before, and it scares me. So in order to be happy again, I did everything I could to make him smile at me, only at me. I'm mean, I'm cruel, I'm wrong. But I cant stop. I know that in his eyes I'm just a friend, and he wont ever love me like I do him.

What if
It seems like you're going to love me?
Because it seems like you're going to come to me if I wait just a little.
With these anticipations,
I can't leave you.
Even though I know that as time accumulates,
It becomes pain.
Oh boy...

There he was again, holding onto my hand and grinning radiantly at me, his beautiful eyes sparkling with happiness. He held in his free hand a small vanilla ice cream cone, holding it out expectantly for me to taste. I gulped inaudibly and forced the tears to die back down as I smiled and hesitantly licked the side of the ice cream. I watched as Donghae smiled wider, if possible, and turned around to lead me through the park, licking the ice cream absently as he watched a bird take flight from a tree, effectively missing the blush that flooded my face.

Every time I try to give up on him something like this happens. He does something impossibly romantic or cute and my fragile, kicked heart thumps again in my chest and love him even more than before. And that brings forth thoughts. Does he love me? Have I simply been blind this whole time? I think those thought for hours after the fact, toying with the idea of reciprocated love in my head. I've loved him for so long. Surely he has to feel something too right? There's no way he could not have noticed my feelings.

I sighed internally and smiled genuinely as Donghae pointed excitedly at a dog and dashed off to play with it, leaving me with the ice cream to enjoy alone. I decided to forget about forgetting. There's nothing wrong with loving someone. I love him, I'm not ashamed or anything. Besides, just a little longer and he will definitely notice me as a man. I know he's gay, and I know I'm his type. It's only a matter of time before he falls for me, right?

Even though I wanted to believe that that smile was just for me,
It probably isn't, right?
But still,
Just maybe...

There he was again, his face glowing, a small smile gracing his kissable lips as he sat calmly and comfortably at a table in the cafe, across from me. I winced as that man leaned forward and lightly kissed Donghae's lips, my stomach churning and feeling sickly as I couldn't do anything but watch as the man of my dreams was snatched away before my very eyes.

They had met not long ago at a grocery store. The classic not being able to reach something so the "big strong man" came and got it for you. I was supposed to have been at the store with him, getting things from tall places for him, but I was sick that night and was in need of that specific bag of chips, according to Donghae. They had apparently been high-school sweethearts, but they had broken up when they went to different colleges. However, since they'd run into each other they'd been inseparable. Donghae smiles all the time, which isn't much different than before except for now I had to listen to him gush about his "wonderful boyfriend." My heart has never hurt so much in my entire life. All the years of being in love with the same, wonderfully ignorant and naive man have been for nothing. All the years of waiting for him to notice and love me back have been for nothing. Why does he do this to me? Before he announced that he was with that man he seemed like he had finally fallen in love with me. He clung to me more often that usual, he held my hand all the time, and the best part? He smiled. At me. For days. He never looked at me without a smile. The feelings his smile gave me in those few days were indescribable. The affection and emotion I felt for him had come to the limit, and I was sure he loved me.

And then HE came. And my world came crashing down around me for quite possibly the billionth time in my lifetime. The anguish came flooding in at once as I realized his smile had been because of HIM. Not me. I had lost. Donghae doesn't love me. He would never love me. And the pain his unintentional lie caused me that day in the cafe was unbearable. So I give up for sure that time. I'm done being hurt all the time. I'm done pining for the same man. I've told myself that I will fall in love again, this time with someone who isn't such an idiot. It's official. I'm done.

What if
I met you first?
No, if I didn't know you.
These thoughts are useless,
For I'm already living in the deeply set times of you.

There he was again, mouth open in surprise, a slow smile breaking out over his lips, eyes wider than I had ever seen before in our friendship. That man knelt before him, a ring in his hand as he stared hopefully up at Donghae. Meanwhile my heart was breaking yet again as I was forced to watch the man I love get taken even further away from me than before. However I couldn't watch him accept the proposal for fear of breaking down, so I turned my face away and towards the ground as the silent tears trickled down my cheeks.

Why does it have to be this way? Doesn't he realize that I love him? Doesn't he realize that I can give him so much more, love him so much more than HIM? I've been here for him all those times when he needed a shoulder to cry on, like when his father passed away, and he has been there for me. I don't even try to hide my affection for him. I'm always honest. He's the one who sends me false signals. Tell me, why did he do this? Why is it like this? Why couldn't it be me proposing to him instead? Why couldn't I have met him first and stolen his heart away? If I had know him first it would be me that held Donghae in my arms at night. I would be the one who get's to kiss him good night and good morning. It would be me who saw Donghae's sleeping face first thing in the morning. He always sleeps late because he can't sleep until extremely late into the evening. I bet that HE doesn't know that though. I can hear his snoring through the wall very clearly every night at 11:30, like clockwork.  But he wakes up even later than Donghae, and Donghae always gets up and makes him coffee. If it were me, I would always wake up before him and make his coffee so he could have it first thing. I would be so much better for him.

But at the same time I wish we had never met. I wish that I had been roomed with some horribly unappealing guy in college and fallen in love with a girl, a normal girl, and grown older, got married, and had a baby by the time I was 25, like most other men my age. I would've been perfectly fine with that life, I was only ever gay for him anyway, a woman would have been satisfactory. But now all that's in my heart is Donghae. He is the only thing I want. But without him, life would be so much easier.

I know I can't think like that. It's useless. I love him so much already that it's pointless to wish we didn't know each other. I even dream about him. I dream that he kisses me and curls up in my arms and I just sit there and revel in his warmth on my chest. But sadly that just wont happen. Besides, I'm in too deep already. I love him too much, there's no turning back. I guess I'm just going to be unhappy forever, watching him love someone else before my eyes as he lives his life having stolen all of mine.

Even though love increases as much as time's weight,
Even though pain is heavy,
Still, I feel like you'll love me.

There he was again. Standing at the altar with HIM while I sat in the first row of pews, my heart still breaking. I had prayed all year while the wedding was being planned that something would go wrong. I know it's wrong to think such things about the one you love, but I just wanted him to love me so badly, I couldn't help it. However, my wish was futile because they were obviously in love, a fact I still desperately wish wasn't true.

But even though my heart is breaking, I love Donghae more every day. His happiness has been rubbing off on me since the wedding, and even though I hate the ring on his finger and who put it there, I love the smile on his face when I catch him daydreaming in the kitchen or the living room. It seems to me that as the number of days grows, so will my feelings for him. The sadness however resurfaces as soon as HE returns, and I am turned away from the house so they can have their "alone time."

Those few hours are the worst times of the day. It's when I wallow in my sadness and my self-pity, for I know what they are doing during those times, and it kills me. I hate those times. During those times I always think horrible thoughts. Once I considered throwing myself into the Han River and just letting the water take me away from the weight that is the pain of my love. Or maybe just wandering somewhere until I find something sharp enough to slash my wrists. But then I realize how upset Donghae would be to lose me, his good friend, and toss that idea. At least I like to think that Donghae would miss me. At least a little. But how should I know? I hardly see him anymore, he's always busy with HIM, too busy to spend any time with me. So I guess I should cherish the times while HE is at work and I get to spend sweet time with Donghae. Although, during those times he is no doubt thinking about his husband.

Maybe there is still hope. It seems sad and disappointing to give up now and move on. Maybe there is still time for him to suddenly realize that I am here and that I love him more than anyone else in the world. But like I said, there is no way to know. All I know for sure is that my love and devotion for Donghae is unwavering and will be unwavering until the day I die.

With these anticipations,
I can't leave you.
Even though I know that the accumulated time has made today.
Oh boy...

I'm sure you're shocked by what you've read right about now. I know you had no idea how I felt about you the entire time we've known each other. Know that this isn't your fault. It's mine for wanting what I can't have, what doesn't belong to me. I know that you and Siwon are happy together, and I don't want to ruin what you have together with my petty feelings. As I'm sure you've figured out, I love you. I've always loved you. You are the sole source of happiness in my life, and I thank you greatly for always bringing a smile to my face and lifting me up when I'm sad.

But despite that, you have also been the sole source of my misery. You've unknowingly tortured me for all these years. Making me think that you love me on various occasions only to tear me back down again seconds later. I find myself asking why I love you. I ask myself while I stayed around all these years only to watch you fall in love with someone else. And the only thing I can come up with is that I love you too much to survive a day without being able to see your beautiful smile for one day. I suppose that was not the case however since I am gone now. Don't look for me, because the next time you see me I will surely be dead, and I would not wish for you to see me like that. I am confident when I say that I was rather good at pretending to be happy all these years, since you never noticed apparently. I would like for you to remember me how I was when I was truly happy, before Siwon came. I don't want you to think back on me and remember the lingering sadness in my eyes that I tried so desperately to hide.

Please grant me this last wish. Allow me to keep my dignity. I love you, so much, that I'm sure will never change, not even in the afterlife.

Sincerely,
Hyukjae